Showing posts with label comic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comic. Show all posts

Saturday, July 21, 2012

A New Foe!

Deep in the outer rim I have discovered a planet populated with equine force users.  They pose a great threat the Imperial Party, because their television show ( a pansy bit of fluff intended for little GIRLS) is cutting into my demographic,18-45 year old MALES!  W.T.F.?  Lord Vader cannot afford to lose his merchandising profits to little magical ponies!  The Poni force users are surprisingly powerful, as I have learned for myself.




I have decided to withdraw my forces from the planet Equestria and study these Poni warriors.  Already a small faction have allied with the Jedi under the leadership of Obi-Wan Broni.  I must find their weakness and deviate them to the Dark Side.  Until then I will suffer no Poni or Broni left alive.  Either they will willingly spend their credits on official STAR WARS licensed merchandise or they will suffer beneath my tyranny. My universe doesn't have room for sissy boys. 


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

New Recruits

Sometimes funny things happen to new recruits. 

Joe and Ben here are about to find out why the Empire pays
double wages to work the deforestation detail on Endor.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Imperial Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

Everyone wants to know my recipe for chocolate chip cookies.  I'm posting it here so you can all stop asking me. 

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups ( 12 oz. ) Chocolate Chips
1 cup (2 sticks) Imperial Margarine

You may not use any other brand margarine or ....gasp....wheez....choke....real butter.  This is the secret ingredient that makes rebels turn dark side and keeps them addicted...er...motivated...yeah, that's it....to do a hard days work for next to nothing.  Only IMPERIAL MARGARINE is acceptable.  I command it.  And don't even get me started on this stuff...

Eat this and you're as good as dead.  Oh yeah.  The recipe.  You take all the ingredients and beat them into submission.  Then cast them into the flames of a oven preheated to 375 degrees for 7 to 8 minutes.  Your yummy Dark Side cookies will corrupt your soul and leave you an empty vessel to do my bidding. 

Okay have a great weekend every one!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

New Troops

Dear Diary Dark Lords Journal : star date sumthing or other :
Was talking to Boba Fett about how cool it would be if he would let me clone him to make a new army with his genetic information.  He said something about how demeaning it was to see thousands of slaves who all look exactly like him or something along those lines.  I think he was holding out for more credits or something.  After dangling him off a cliff while choking him with my force power for a little bit he seemed a bit more enthusiastic.

We went to see the illegal jawa fights on Tatooine and were inspired:

Smaller warriors were actually better at accomplishing certain military tactics than full-size humanoids.
I had Boba step into the Easy-Bake Clone oven and set the control to four.





Out popped these little dudes.  I'm not sure if the control setting made four of them or set their age, 
cause they look about four years old.  



Anyways they act like four year olds so that means they are the perfect destructive force for me to implement my dark and sinister schemes.  I will be making sure to avoid attending any conflicts they are engaged in personally, because they are unruly hooligans full of energy and completely invulnerable to mind persuasion force skills.  I've used video games to hone their combat skills and they are fed chocolate chip cookies to incite berserk-er rage before being air dropped into hostile territory.  I anticipate watching the carnage they shall reap across the galaxy in my name.     






Thursday, September 29, 2011

Droid Shopping

Finally got back from the outer rim and decided it was time to replace R2.  Who knows where he is?  Had the troopers search the entire Star Destroyer.  No signs of Leia.  Might as well do a little droid shopping at this Jawa Outlet I like.  Mostly refurbished and seconds, but you can't beat the prices. 



No.  Definitely not anything by Apple, thank you.  Next!

What's that one called?  A probe droid?  Uh, no, don't need one of those.  Next!

I can't be seen in public with a Hello Kitty Droid, what are you thinking?!  Next!

What's that one do?  Dispense Mountain Dew?  Next!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!  Next!

What's wrong with this one?  A bad motivator?  I'll give you 200 credits for it.  Let's go!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Fondue anyone?

To rid my Star Destroyer of the clone cat infestation, I enlisted the help of the bounty hunter Boba Fett.  Fett recommended a trip to a planet deep within the outer rim.  The inhabitants were very enthusiastic to cleanse our vessel, and hospitable as well.  They actually threw an impromptu parade for us!  There was a ceremony and I am now King of Melmac.  The inhabitants are not trooper stock, but perhaps I shall install a nuclear facility for them to operate on the Empires behalf.  I have decided to utilize Fett and my other bounty hunter connections to locate Leia.  I have a Star Destroyer full of cat hair and a lint brush with her name on it.    

Monday, September 26, 2011

Attack of the (Cat) Clones

Catastrophe!  Princess Leia must have left her Easy Bake Clone Oven turned on in her room.  Oh, the horror that 60 watt incandescent bulb has rendered!  I knew I should have got her the Lite-Brite Saber kit instead...bah.  What will the Emperor say when I tell him my Star Destroyer is overrun with Achoo! cats?!
If I start vaporizing them now I'm liable to kill myself in the ensuing dander.  Curses!  This cannot be my destiny, to be defeated by domestic felines.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Friday, September 23, 2011

The Darth Car

 Storm Trooper:  Holy cow this thing runs on fossil fuels!  This must cost hundreds of thousands of credits just for title, insurance, fuel and maintenance! 


Darth Vader:  Fool!  Of course it is expensive, it is a status symbol.  I expect you to service this vehicle and keep it sparkling like the day it was manufactured.  If I find so much as a dent, a simple scratch, I shall sever your head from your torso.  

Storm Trooper:  But why would you even want a, uh, er...this?
Darth Vader:  Think of it like this...as the Sith Lord Vader I rule the galaxy, 
but as the owner of a 1970 Dodge Challenger, I simply RULE!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

An Important Mission

Lord Vader:  Storm Trooper.  I have an important mission for you.
Storm Trooper:  Yes, my liege!  Your will is my command.

Lord Vader:  The toilet on this level is backed up again.  Make sure to plunge it good this time.  I command you to mop up afterward.  Use the stuff that smells like pine trees. 
Storm Trooper:  ~sigh~  Yes, my Dark Master.  It shall be as you decree, your Excellency.