Forcebook updates

A dark lord has to keep up to date information readily available to him at all times.  That's why I use forcebook.com.  It's really easy!  You just pretend to be someones friend and then they will basically reveal all the embarrassing and tragic events they have experienced that day.  For example:

Here is a picture of Boba hiring a WOOKIEE to fix his SUV.  How embarrassing!  Let it be known that I hired someone to put sugar in his gas tank.  But wait there's more!

Looks like troop morale is down on Endor.  Time to show the "When Ewoks Attack" training film again.  We'll have a barbeque to improve morale, maybe ribs and ice cream.  That should do the trick.

Forcebook also helps me out any fool stupid enough to disrespect me on a public forum.  I'll end this blog with a fan art someone made of me.  Because I'm freaking AWESOME!

Rest in peace, Frank Frazetta.   Feb. 9th, 1928-May 10th, 2010

Your art lives on through your many fans who miss you very much.

A New Foe!

Deep in the outer rim I have discovered a planet populated with equine force users.  They pose a great threat the Imperial Party, because their television show ( a pansy bit of fluff intended for little GIRLS) is cutting into my demographic,18-45 year old MALES!  W.T.F.?  Lord Vader cannot afford to lose his merchandising profits to little magical ponies!  The Poni force users are surprisingly powerful, as I have learned for myself.

I have decided to withdraw my forces from the planet Equestria and study these Poni warriors.  Already a small faction have allied with the Jedi under the leadership of Obi-Wan Broni.  I must find their weakness and deviate them to the Dark Side.  Until then I will suffer no Poni or Broni left alive.  Either they will willingly spend their credits on official STAR WARS licensed merchandise or they will suffer beneath my tyranny. My universe doesn't have room for sissy boys. 

Saw this infomercial today...

Lord Vader is always looking for superior products to keep the Death Star tidy.  If you've ever remodeled your kitchen, imagine what kind of mess we have on our hands here.  Might have to give this product a try. 

Lord Vader LOVES Twilight!  If a hot chick like Bella can accept that Edward is a blood-sucking leach and still love him there is still hope for me.  I've been so lonely without my Panda Bear Padme.

Oh btw, If anyone knows this girl please have her friend me on forcebook.com.  Papa likes. 

Imperial Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe

Everyone wants to know my recipe for chocolate chip cookies.  I'm posting it here so you can all stop asking me. 

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 large eggs
2 cups ( 12 oz. ) Chocolate Chips
1 cup (2 sticks) Imperial Margarine

You may not use any other brand margarine or ....gasp....wheez....choke....real butter.  This is the secret ingredient that makes rebels turn dark side and keeps them addicted...er...motivated...yeah, that's it....to do a hard days work for next to nothing.  Only IMPERIAL MARGARINE is acceptable.  I command it.  And don't even get me started on this stuff...

Eat this and you're as good as dead.  Oh yeah.  The recipe.  You take all the ingredients and beat them into submission.  Then cast them into the flames of a oven preheated to 375 degrees for 7 to 8 minutes.  Your yummy Dark Side cookies will corrupt your soul and leave you an empty vessel to do my bidding. 

Okay have a great weekend every one!

Career Fair

The Galactic Empire hosted a career fair at Centares Community College this evening.  We had some lively conversation about Criminal Justice, EMT training, and the future of the galaxy.  There really is a diverse amount of career opportunities for young cadets in the Imperial Forces.  Yes, we need soldiers, but that is just the core fundamentals of a much more elaborate chain of command.  We need munition experts, pilots, chefs, artisans, craftsmen, architects, scientists, musicians (yes, musicians, okay?), doctors, lawyers, mechanics, engineers, and so on for infinity, it seems.  In fact I think I might just take over the community college.  That seems the easiest way to assimilate them all.  Anyways, we had a great booth, here's a photo I took with my camera phone.  It also functions as a light saber.  Cheers. 

And now for something completely different.

Droid Shopping

Finally got back from the outer rim and decided it was time to replace R2.  Who knows where he is?  Had the troopers search the entire Star Destroyer.  No signs of Leia.  Might as well do a little droid shopping at this Jawa Outlet I like.  Mostly refurbished and seconds, but you can't beat the prices. 

No.  Definitely not anything by Apple, thank you.  Next!

What's that one called?  A probe droid?  Uh, no, don't need one of those.  Next!

I can't be seen in public with a Hello Kitty Droid, what are you thinking?!  Next!

What's that one do?  Dispense Mountain Dew?  Next!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!  Next!

What's wrong with this one?  A bad motivator?  I'll give you 200 credits for it.  Let's go!

Fondue anyone?

To rid my Star Destroyer of the clone cat infestation, I enlisted the help of the bounty hunter Boba Fett.  Fett recommended a trip to a planet deep within the outer rim.  The inhabitants were very enthusiastic to cleanse our vessel, and hospitable as well.  They actually threw an impromptu parade for us!  There was a ceremony and I am now King of Melmac.  The inhabitants are not trooper stock, but perhaps I shall install a nuclear facility for them to operate on the Empires behalf.  I have decided to utilize Fett and my other bounty hunter connections to locate Leia.  I have a Star Destroyer full of cat hair and a lint brush with her name on it.    

Attack of the (Cat) Clones

Catastrophe!  Princess Leia must have left her Easy Bake Clone Oven turned on in her room.  Oh, the horror that 60 watt incandescent bulb has rendered!  I knew I should have got her the Lite-Brite Saber kit instead...bah.  What will the Emperor say when I tell him my Star Destroyer is overrun with Achoo! cats?!
If I start vaporizing them now I'm liable to kill myself in the ensuing dander.  Curses!  This cannot be my destiny, to be defeated by domestic felines.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Rebel Cat

Vader:  Princess Leia has smuggled a cat aboard this Star Destroyer. 
I DESPISE cats!  They shed all over and cause all sorts of trouble with my asthma.
Also they like to number 2 in my boots for some reason.  I want that cat vaporized on sight!

Vader:  There it is!  Disintegrate it!

Vader:  sniff...My elite soldiers cannot even shoot a cat.  Why is this happening to me?  Achoo!

Called the Five-Oh tonight...

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.  Leia has been gone for over 24 hours, and she's turned her cell phone off.  Called in the Five-Oh, actually the 501st, and a local trooper stopped by to file a report.  He tried to be reassuring, telling me about how this sort of thing happens all the time.  She is probably out having the time of her life and here I am worried sick.  The problem with children is they just don't care about anyone but themselves.  I know I haven't been the greatest father but I'm trying my best.  Not like I had a father figure growing up, unless you count that sleemo Watto.  *sigh*  Filed a report for R2 while I was at it.  I hate waiting.  This sucks.

daughter issues...sigh

Well, I found out what happened to my droid.  To make a long story short, I've recently found out that I'm a father.  I wish I would have known sooner.  I've missed so many years.  Her name is Leia.  She is already a teenager and it's like we come from completely different worlds.  Well technically we do, but I digress.  I'm sure she was adorable as a child but now it's all about the hair and makeup and clothes.  She already has her mind made up about the world.  She's interested in boys too, and she's got this terrible rebellious streak.  I think she gets it from her mother. 

So anyways I had her over to the Death Star, kind of a take your daughter to work day sort of thing.  The whole time she acted like I was kidnapping her or something, yelling at me about how evil I was, and how it was wrong to discipline unruly planets by blowing them up.  Then I found out she "lost" my R2 unit!  She says to me "So what's the big deal, it's just a droid."  Just a droid.  Like a 1970 Dodge Challenger is "just" a car.  Kids these days.  I had no choice but to put her in time out with the interrogation droid.

Now she's run off with her boyfriend in his piece of junk starship.  I just don't get it.  Here I am, in charge of maintaining order in a full-fledged galactic empire and I can't even keep an unruly teenage girl in check.  I need a ice mocha bad.